Monday, January 10, 2011

Great Assbeatings In Movie History: Road House (1989)



Whether anyone wants to admit it or not, Road House is an open apology letter to every man in America from Patrick Swayze (may he rest in peace) and it reads as follows

"Dear fellas,

I know that I owe you all big time for the success of Dirty Dancing.

I appreciate your patience and quiet suffering as I know that your girlfriends, wives, and significant others dragged you to see that movie dozens of times and you probably spent small fortunes in dinners, movie tickets, and refreshments.

That movie made me bucketloads of cash so in return, I am going to make a motion picture for you featuring hot women and yours truly beating the everlasting aspirations out of several men.

This is my gift to you. Appreciate it.

Your brother,

Patrick Swayze"

And what an apology it was! Not only did this film have the common decency to show Kelly Lynch in a barely there dress you have to see to believe and feature a cameo with TERRY FUNK, we got to see one of the best movie fights ever as Dalton (Patrick Swazye) and Jimmy (the totally awesome Marshall Teague) squared off by the lake and tried to put each other either in traction or the grave.

I have to give a lot of props to Marshall Teague because he played the role of Jimmy with such menace and vicious intent that I couldn't wait for the son-of-a-bitch to get the rib stomping he so richly deserved.

By the time the fight rolled around, I was in such a state of enraged anticipation that the climactic Eagle Claw goozle rip death scene was far more satisfying to me than it probably would've been on the merit of pure bloodletting alone.

Not to discount the bloodletting. That part was awesome!

I still think that it was Jimmy's comment about prison rape that earned him his impromptu larynx surgery and not the fact that he wussed out and pulled a gun on Dalton.

3 comments:

Joanna said...

Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in.
We'll gather at the Roadhouse with our next of kin.
And Santa can be our regular Saturday night thing.
We'll decorate our barstools and gather round and sing.

Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year!
Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear!

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