Bloody Nightmares #16: Hip Hop Locos (2001)

Hip Hop Locos is one of the worst films I've ever had the displeasure to see.

I know bad. Christ, I wouldn't have made it this far into the Bloody Nightmares collection if I didn't at least have a high tolerance for low (or no) production values, amateurish acting, and non-existent special effects. I take that sort of thing in stride because I love genre films, and I get excited watching young filmmakers try to pull something together with little more than a few friends and a can-do attitude (and a DV camera). However there's always the possibility that I could run into something that even my sympathetic nature can't tolerate, that can't even be properly laughed at because it crosses the line from badness to being just plain irritating. I'm wracking my brain for even one redeemable thing about the film, and the only thing that comes to mind is that at 70 minutes, at least it's mercifully short. Cold comfort for anyone who even considers watching this abomination.

Unodoz and K10 (played by Unodoz and J10) are a couple of young Latino gangbangers who come up with a plan to set their hip hop careers in motion: kill a bunch of drug dealers + sell the stolen drugs + ? = PROFIT! They jump to action by talking at the camera, then driving around, smoking pot, talking to the camera, calling someone on a pay-phone, talking at the camera and then occasionally stabbing someone. They follow the stabbing with more talking at the camera, usually about how great it was to stab that person, and how they want to drive around, call someone, and then stab someone else. Rinse and repeat, and throw in some awful video and vocal effects for good (bad) measure. There is literally five minutes of plot stretched with endless, seemingly improvised dialogue (Homes.. Homes... Homes homes homes homes homes homes) interspersed with grainy black and white footage that is headache inducing.

I can't even imagine how this film even managed to scrounge up this level of distribution as it looks like something put together over a weekend to entertain (??) some friends of the cast. Oddly, despite the title and central plot, there isn't even any Hip Hop music on the soundtrack; just the occasional synthesizer beat behind awful, repetitive dialogue notably featuring the words “homes!”, “la raza!” and “eh?” in various combinations. At a couple of points Unodoz attempts to freestyle a portion of the plot, which only convinced me that he must have some sort of learning disability to come up with such weak rhymes. At a certain point I actually thought I might be going mad, as scenes began to blend together and repeat in a weird haze of cheap video effects and murky driving footage.

Photography is strictly a point and shoot affair, with minimal editing. Barely visible color footage of our two intrepid heroes gives way to black and white footage of them wandering around in the dark, usually repeating the dialogue that was said in the previous color footage. Often scenes stretch far beyond their breaking point, most notably in a strangulation scene which lasts for an eternity as one of interchangeable “locos” tells the other to “choke him!”. Sound is generally clear, but i'm not sure that's a benefit.

Mill Creek/Pendulum Pictures didn't even include chapter stops for this one. Even by their low standards, this is by far the worst thing i've seen in this collection.

I don't usually like to warn people away from films, as I realize when it comes to badness that quality becomes a very subjective thing. However, I feel confident in saying that there is no way that any reasonable person would get even the smallest bit of entertainment value out of Hip Hop Locos. The credits feature director Lorenzo Munoz Jr.'s name over and over in likely the most misplaced show of ego the film world has ever seen. Fucking awful.

Capsule Review: There Will Be Blood (2007)

Paul Thomas Anderson’s loose adaptation of Upton Sinclairs “Oil” proves to be a vast, welcome departure from his previous films. We follow the career of Daniel Plainview (the absolutely staggering Daniel Day Lewis) as he builds his oil drilling business along with his adopted son H.W. The gorgeous cinematography rewards viewers who may balk at the sometimes slow pacing, but the shots of sudden, intense violence and anger are all the more effective because of it. A great film, and one that shows a surprising maturity from one of America’s most interesting filmmakers.

Capsule Review: Rushmore (1998)

While Wes Anderson first made a strong impression with his quirky crime film Bottle Rocket, it was his next film that firmly established his unique cinematic vision that he would continue in his following films. Jason Schwartzman stars as Max Fisher, an unpopular student at the prestigious Rushmore academy who flunks out after spending more time on extracurricular activities than his studies. He strikes up a friendship with cynical businessman Herman J. Blume (Bill Murray) with whom he eventually battles for the affection of a beautiful teacher (Olivia Williams). As with his other films, Anderson shows a lot of affinity for the oddballs and outsiders in his film, populating his world with colorful characters and a soundtrack of 60s British rock that punctuates sometimes anarchic scenes. Most entertaining are Max's plays – odd pastiches of films like Serpico and Apocalypse Now – and the central performances; particularly Murray who shows off a dramatic ability that would serve him well in later roles in Lost In Translation and Broken Flowers.

Capsule Review: Boogie Nights (1997)

A sprawling epic about the porn industry directed by a young filmmaker making only his second feature, Boogie Nights could have easily been a disaster, but Paul Thomas Anderson has an almost supernatural sense of setting and creates an emotional and original masterpiece. Based loosely on the life of John Holmes, we follow the burgeoning career of the impossibly endowed Dirk Diggler (Mark Wahlberg) who rises to stardom during the golden age of filmed pornography, welcomed into the family fold of director Jack Horner (Burt Reynolds) and his stable of actors and production people. Filled with memorable set pieces and supporting performances – particularly John C. Reilly as the hilarious Reed Rothchild – it's Anderson who tells the complex story with pizazz, featuring long steadicam shots and scenes filled with improvised dialogue. Brilliant.

Capsule Review: Citizen Kane (1941)

An achievement so magnificent that modern audiences may miss out on the countless innovations, Citizen Kane remains an entertaining and enjoyable yarn even outside of its technical brilliance. Constructed by an impossibly young Orson Welles, who also penned the screenplay (with controversial input from Herman J. Mankiewicz), the film famously dramatizes elements of the life of newspaper magnate William Randolph Hearst in the lead character of Charles Foster Kane, a high minded boy millionaire whose ethics and relationships begin to erode, alienating him from his friends and lovers before he dies alone in his massive mansion Xanadu. The film is structured around a reporter's search for the meaning of Kane's final word (“rosebud”) and the impressions that the man made on the lives of those he touched throughout his life. Impeccably directed, with photography by Gregg Toland that constantly breaks established cinematic rules, Kane also features amazing performances – particularly from Welles himself who, though only 24 at the time, convincingly plays Kane up to his 70s. As impressive today as it ever was.

Capsule Review: Goldfinger (1964)

The third entry in the Bond film franchise, Goldfinger created a template followed for decades afterward, but remains a wonderfully entertaining yarn filled with memorable characters and exciting – though occasionally dated – action. James Bond (Sean Connery, cementing his reputation as the ultimate Bond) is out to stop the millionaire Auric Goldfinger who has devised a plot to break into Fort Knox – not to steal the gold – but to set up an atomic bomb to irradiate the stock, making his own collection of gold ten times as valuable. All of the elements most strongly connected with the franchise – an Aston Martin packed with gadgets, a suitably imposing henchman (the hat throwing Oddjob), an obsessive and charismatic villain (“Do you expect me to talk?” “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!”), and the usual interplay with M, Moneypenny, Q, and a variety of international beauties. Throw in a memorable Shirley Bassey theme song, John Barry's tremendous score, and Guy Hamliton's sure-handed direction, and you have the ultimate Bond film.

Capsule Review: American Werewolf in London (1981)

Originally devised when John Landis was working on the set of Kelly's Heroes, it took another decade (and some astounding advances in special effects) before the comedic horror film finally made it to the screen. Two American students backpacking through Europe are attacked by a wolf on the Yorkshire Moors, leaving one dead and the other in a London hospital – arguing with the police report that it was a man, not a wolf, who caused the tragedy. He soon begins to have strange dreams, and visions of his dead friend – who is slowly rotting away in limbo – which convinces him that he will turn into a wolf-man during the next full moon. The two students, played by David Naughton and Griffen Dunne, have some great interplay, but the star here is Rick Baker's incredible special effects. The scene where David finally changes into a werewolf is a showstopper, and helped Baker win the first Oscar for makeup. The humor and horror mixes delightfully, and the tone proved to be influential to many young film-makers – certainly reflected in more modern horror/comedy like Shaun Of The Dead (2004).