Bloody Nightmares #39: The Witching (1993)

I like Todd Sheets.

There, I said it.

His movies in this collection have run from terrible (Nightmare Asylum (1992), Prehistoric Bimbos in Armageddon City (1991)) to slightly less terrible (Zombie Rampage (1989/1991)) but he was trying something - making shot-on-video horror films and distributing them - at a time when such a thing was a baffling undertaking. Yeah, most end up being a waste of time, but there is a "let's put on a show!" energy that I can't help but find inspiring. It's not going to stop me from giving my honest opinion about these films, and warning people away when appropriate, but I try to go into each of his productions with an open mind. Now, The Witching wasn't directed by Todd Sheets - fellow genre stalwarts Matthew Jason Walsh and Eric Black do the directing and writing on this one - but Sheets' fingerprints are all over it. He produced, did the cinematography, was the assistant and second unit director and even appears as a demonic acolyte, and of course this was all filmed in Kansas City and features most of the cast from Sheets' previous productions. Whew. So, we know what to expect here.

Except.. it's not terrible. There are parts that even skirt the line of good! I know, I'm as surprised as you are. The Witching features all of the issues inherent with the format and budget - the video quality is particularly bad on this one - but the comical tone, some really fun writing and (crucially) the short sixty minute running time all help smooth over these rough moments. Black and Walsh put more time than expected into the areas which count, and it pays off.

Stewart Goodman (Auggi Alvarez) can't go to the Blacktooth concert because his parents are forcing him to watch the house (and his senile grandmother) while they go to the theater to see Bonnie Franklin's off-Broadway one-woman version of Evita. Even worse, Stewart's dad is threatening to send him to military school, and he has to spend his time with the supremely irritating Morris (a supremely irritating Mike Hellman). While bumbling around the basement ("Maybe we could run away to canada and become lumberjacks"), Stewart and Morris find a secret room containing a book written by Stewart's witch-hunting ancestor Goodman Benny (ugh) which - for some reason - contains the text to open the portal to Limbo. Limbo just happens to contain the Queen of the Witches Morgana of Oberon who Goodman had prevented from building her Pazuzu Configuration machine that is meant to enslave the world. Or, something like that.

If you're guessing that Stewart reads the text (which, of course, includes "klaatu barada nikto") and unlocks a portal to limbo through his fridge ("There is a hallway in my refrigerator!"), then you would be right. "When mom and day get back from the theater, they're going to see this and shit dead puppies!", says Stewart before the two head into the portal where they encounter Morgana (Veronica Orr, from Prehistoric Bimbos in Armageddon City (1991)), as well as her minions Beast and Sluggo (and Scully the puppet imp). Stewart and Morris put a padlock on the fridge before Stew retreats to his room to attempt to clear his head. There he meets Morgana's step-daughter Bethany of Oberon (Dianne O'Connell, who is AWFUL) who says that in order to finish the Pazuzu Configuration, Morgana needs three items:

• a meat that’s not meat
• a clock that counts the beats of a heart
• three drops of virgin blood

Meanwhile Morris and Grandma are joined by Vietnam Vet/UFO enthusiast/nutball Mr. Flopchek to watch Nude Mud Wrestling USA. That is, until a witch crawls out of the television ("Holy leapfrogging shit!") and terrorizes the group before being killed by a pizza delivery gal who happens to have a gun. Got that? Good. Because it only gets weirder from here on out. Scully the imp steals Mr. Flopchek's hot dog (a meat that's not meat) and Morris gets turned into a frog-creature by one of Morgana's hexes. The morphing effect is actually rather impressive for a no-budget film from 1993, but the make-up is less so.

Grandma seems blissfully unaware of what's going on, and opens the locked refrigerator - leading to her immediate kidnap by Beast. Turns out that she has a pacemaker (a clock that counts the beats of a heart), and soon the rest of the crew - including the pizza gal and Mr. Flopchek - head into the portal to retrieve her. Oh, and Stewart has a fight with Sluggo using only blow-up dolls. And frog-Morris gets kidnapped as well (three drops of virgin blood). The whole crew eventually get captured, but Grandma fights off Morgana, destroying her Pazuzu Configuration machine and saving the day. Stewart falls in love with Bethany, Morris gets a kiss from the pizza delivery woman (which turns him back into the pony-tailed geek he was before), and everyone lives happily ever after.

While owing a debt to the Troma films of the period - not to mention Joe Dante's classic The Burbs - The Witching stands fairly confidently as a wild, often ridiculous mash-up of monster movies, pop culture references and anything else the creators could throw at the screen. Unlike the efforts of Todd Sheets, this one looks rather carefully scripted, and some beautifully weird dialogue helps overcome some (really) weak performances and iffy production values. It doesn't take itself very seriously, but it comes to a lot of its humor legitimately through dialogue and character.

But the film's biggest asset is its short running time, which means that when the plot starts to pour out it doesn't let up until the final few minutes. I often decry low-budget films for stretching a minimum of plot to 60 minutes, but here there's an overdose of plot - and that means while much of what we're seeing is low rent (particularly that explosion at the end), it's very rarely boring.

But the acting is seriously bad. Auggi Alvarez is obviously doing his all to make Stewart a bit whiny and unpleasant, but he goes way overboard and his dialogue is seriously stilted. Morris is meant to be an annoying doofus, so I suppose Mike Hellman should get credit for pulling that off, but it's still a tough character to tolerate. And Veronica Orr, who was the best of a bad bunch in Prehistoric Bimbos in Armageddon City (1991) seems to be acting in a different film entirely. But the bad-acting award goes to Dianne O'Connell as Bethany, who seems to be reading every line off of a slowly moving teleprompter. She also has memorably terrible early 90s hair.

The Witching is presented in its original full-frame, and this transfer seems to have been taken directly from a well-worn videotape. Tracking problems, fuzziness, pixelation.. you name it, this has it. It doesn't help that the final ten minutes take place in a dark cavern, which can make detail particularly difficult to make out. Many of these issues won't be new to those from the VHS generation, but it's still occasionally rather rough going. Similarly, there's an audible hiss in the background throughout the entire film, though dialogue is (mercifully) competently recorded. Aside from a couple of cheesy rock songs at the beginning and end there isn't a lot of background music, and what is here is forgettable.

Hey! It's a film in the Bloody Nightmares collection! And that means no chapter stops, and no special features. Too bad, since this looks like it was a blast to make.

An insane mish-mash of comic horror, The Witching delivers the goods in a very specific, no-budget way. Directors/Writers Eric Black and Matthew Jason Walsh obviously relished the opportunity to let loose with bizarre dialogue, weird creatures and strange set-pieces and while their budget frequently trips them up (the locations and make-up often look straight out of a high school play) there's a sense of energy that is too-often missing from these productions. It's not going to win any awards, and the transfer is consistently frustrating, but for those in the right mood there's a lot of fun here. Todd Sheets, I hardly knew ye.

Bloody Nightmares #37: Bloodsucking Babes from Burbank (2006)

When pondering these Bloody Nightmares films, I often start to wonder about the motivations that led to them coming into existence. It takes a lot of passion, sweat and teamwork to make a film - not to mention generally (hopefully?) a modicum of talent - so when I see so much obvious work go into something so terrible, it makes me truly curious about the thought process behind it. I know well how the development of a movie can change from the initial writing to the actual production (and post-production), and how you're often at the mercy of factors beyond your control. These issues are amplified when dealing with low (or no) budgets and inexperienced actors and crew. In the end you simply want something you can be proud of, something that hopefully can provide status for everyone involved, and maybe, just maybe, make a little money off of the proceedings. Bloodsucking Babes from Burbank seems to have fairly modest goals - blood and boobs with a few laughs thrown in is a time-tested tradition - but somewhere between conception to birth something clearly went off the rails.

I mentioned some of the issues regarding working with low budgets, and here it appears the filmmakers had to deal with a nightmare situation: a lead actor leaving the production before it was finished. I'm only guessing on this as I haven't read anything confirming it, but when a seemingly major character dies half way through the movie in a scene which makes little sense in context - and the director just happens to hide her face throughout - it's not difficult to work out what occurred. I'll give director Kirk Bowman credit for at least trying to piece things together - another character is quickly introduced and given lines almost certainly meant for the original actress - but it makes an already shaky production nearly incoherent. Even worse, it makes it look unprofessional. It would be neglectful to not mention that the "replacement" actress also bares her breasts, which may have been a contributing factor.

For a film with such seemingly simplistic motivations, the actual plot is baffling, which isn't helped by the massive number of characters introduced at the beginning. We start with the lovely Samantha (Heidi Brucker, who acquits herself well and really deserves better), an archaeology student who finds herself joining a team searching for an ancient jewel-box in the mountains of Burbank. Supposedly the jewels are cursed - a theory quickly confirmed when two of the students wander off before almost literally tripping over them. The gal opens up the box which leads her to immediately strip down to her underwear, rubbing the jewels all over herself and growing some (really terribly looking) plastic fangs. She eats her male companion, while the rest of the party ignores their disappearance and head home.

However, Samantha's dickish boyfriend Gary (Danny Kitz) has (somehow) smuggled the jewels back in the hopes of trading them for some heavy petting. Samantha - offended - runs off in a huff, leading Gary to go to a competing archaeology group who are only too happy to accept the artifact, which rapidly leads two of them to turn into the titular bloodsucking babes. They strip down and eat the gardener, which is displayed in some jaw-droppingly awful special FX. Seriously. Check out this screen shot.

But that's not all! During all of this Chelsea (Christina Caporale), the head of the first archaeology group, is accosted by mountain man Zack (Danilo Mancinelli) - who had been spying on the group and knows how quickly the awful curse can spread. Discovering that Gary has the jewels, the two try to track him down but their efforts are quickly thwarted when - wait for it - Chelsea (or someone that looks an awful lot like her) is randomly stabbed to death in a parking lot. All seems lost, until Zack's friend Felicity shows up and somehow fills exactly the role that Chelsea's death left empty. What luck!

Samantha, searching for Gary, wanders in on the competing group chowing down on their gardener and attempts to call Chelsea for help. But Chelsea is really, really dead (are there no police in Burbank?) so she reaches Zack and fake Chelsea instead, who come to her rescue and explain to her that the jewels (and curse) can only be destroyed by throwing them into the ocean. This bit of exposition comes with the three characters just hanging out at the beach, even though they KNOW that Gary has the jewels. Somehow, a few random characters also dig up a few of the jewels out of the sand - this part is particularly confusing -  which leads to a few more rubber body parts being spread around.

After that there's some exposition, and Gary shows up at a bar with the jewel box leading to MORE people getting eaten. Thankfully, Samantha tracks him down and - after Zack and Felicity have a shag session - the whole bunch get together and toss the jewels into the ocean. But wait! Before all that we get a cameo from the director as someone from the "archaeological society", who proves to actually be an actor hired by the competing archaeological group in an attempt to steal the jewel box. Bowman actually does really well in his brief role before being chased off when our intrepid heroes discover his true motivation. Foes vanquished, the box gets tossed into the ocean - making use of the worst hammer throw ever caught on film - and everyone lives happily ever after.

Actually, there's an eye rolling "trick" ending before all is said and done. Let's never speak of it again.

Bloodsucking Babes from Burbank wants to be something that it's not - namely, a legitimately funny and gory thrill-ride with smatterings of cheesecake nudity. Unfortunately the comedy is almost wholly unsuccessful, and the gore is generally pathetic with a few notably awful "special effects" scenes which look to have been assembled in MS Paint. There are lots of indistinguishable women prancing around in their underwear (and gamely nibbling at rubbery limbs), but there's nothing titillating about the amount of needless padding and confusing exposition shoe-horned into many scenes. There are also some obvious continuity issues - once scene has a character come out of a shower only to have dry hair as she rounds a corner - and sound recording issues plague many scenes, making the whole production seem rough and unfinished.

It's not a total waste, however. While the acting is inconsistent, at least most of the cast give a strong effort, with Heidi Brucker (as Samantha) and Danilo Mancinelli (as Zack) doing an excellent job under the circumstances. The music seems to be a mix of original material (by a number of different artists) and library material, but it's introduced well and punctuates a few scenes impressively. It's also shot in a number of attractive locations throughout Burbank, and the choice to film most scenes in the daytime at least helps avoid many of the lighting issues which affect many low-budget productions.

Bloodsucking Babes from Burbank is presented in its original 1.78 : 1 aspect ratio, though the transfer is surprisingly rough considering it's a comparatively recent film. Obviously shot on digital video, there is constant haloing throughout and the usual glitches and skipped frames that have appeared in a number of these productions. It's important to remember that by attempting to fit four films on a single DVD, the Bloody Nightmares collection doesn't present most of them at near optimum image quality. It's watchable, but unimpressive. There are some significant sound issues in a few scenes with background noise and poor recording making dialogue difficult to hear, but if you've watched up to that point it's unlikely to be the thing that tips you over the edge to stop actually watching.

It's part of the Bloody Nightmares collection, so don't go expecting chapter stops or bonus features. Would actually be quite interested to hear some behind-the-scenes dirt on this one. Guess I'll just have to stalk Kirk Bowman on Twitter instead.

An ambitious, though unsuccessful, attempt at horror comedy, Bloodsucking Babes from Burbank wears its intentions on its sleeve, but is neither funny enough - nor scary enough - to be anything but a confusing mish-mash of genres. While rarely boring, production issues are distracting enough to keep most audience members away, and the story is confusing and rarely engaging. While there are flickers of talent from the cast and director, this one is best left dead and buried. 

Bloody Nightmares #36: 13 (aka City in Panic) (1987)

A Toronto-lensed slasher film with a twist, City in Panic has some misguided morality (and an awfully dated view on homosexuality) but at least tries to do something unique in what was already a tired genre by the late 80s. While it rarely succeeds, and becomes rather ponderous before a final reveal that - while predictable - proves to be somewhat satisfying, there are a few interesting ideas (and tributes to other, better films) that prevent the film from being a complete waste. However, perhaps a low-budget slasher film isn't necessarily the best way to approach controversial issues regarding homosexuality and AIDS, and even forgiving viewers may be left with a bad taste in their mouth.

The film opens - just like Blood Cult - with another tired tribute to Psycho's famous shower scene, except a) this is filmed much more professionally and accurately and b) this time the victim is a male. In fact, one of the things that separates City in Panic from the many, many similar slasher films of the period is that the victims are almost exclusively male. More specifically, the victims are almost all homosexual males who happen to have AIDS - and the portrayal of homosexuals avoids many of the limp-wristed flamboyant stereotypes common at the time. Alas, the victims are still hanging out at steam baths and gyms, or trolling public washrooms for sex so it's unfortunately not as progressive as you might hope. This shower scene also gives us a brief look at our killer who, wearing black gloves and trench-coat and carrying a huge blade, looks to have stepped directly out of a 70s Italian Giallo film.

Not only is the killer targeting AIDS-infected men, but is also cutting the letter M into the flesh of each victim - the immortal Fritz Lang film M is actually referred to by name - though the reason for this isn't revealed until the end. We are quickly introduced to Dave Miller (a wooden David Adamson), a radio talk-show host who spends most of his time condemning conservative newspaper columnist Alex Ramsey for demanding that the police reveal all of the information they have about the recent killings. Miller's ratings are low - and his bills are mounting - and it's not hard to understand why since the long scenes of his talk show make it seem awfully dull. Even worse, we're forced to spend way too much time on these scenes, which never really get across the supposed mounting hysteria the murders have created. Eventually the killer calls in to the radio show and Miller is asked to act as bait, but that possibly interesting plot strand goes nowhere and the actual killer ends up being someone (not surprisingly) close to home.

It's a bit difficult to figure out what director Robert Bouvier is actually trying to do with his film. Is he trying to turn the conventions of the slasher genre on its head by making the victims mostly men? Is he making a comment on the fear and confusion regarding the AIDS virus in the late 80s? Is he making a statement on yellow journalism and fear-mongering in the media? I admire the attempt to add depth to an often banal genre, but frankly whatever point is being made is swallowed by stiff acting and endless talk radio sequences.  Even more damaging, the stalk-and-slash sequences are generally tensionless and, aside from a memorable scene where a security guard gets his dick sliced off after an unfortunate glory-hole session, quite unimaginative. Bouvier is obviously a competent director, and the final chase scene through a factory full of mannequins is quite effective, but there is very little here for a horror fan to grip on to.

City in Panic has been senselessly (and confusingly) re-titled 13 for this release, but aside from an obviously modern title card, and the removal of any and all credits, it seems to be intact. It's presented in a particularly shoddy full-screen transfer quite obviously taken from a VHS tape, and features all of the expected glitches and visual problems you would associate with that format. But even with that in mind this is a particularly flat and murky looking film, looking a lot like another 80s Canadian export: Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare (which just happened to share this film's cinematographer). Sound fares better, though there is some minor crackling on the soundtrack during the opening narration. There's a competent synth soundtrack from Dave Shaw that underscores the action nicely, but is forgettable.

This is a part of the Bloody Nightmares collection, so you don't get chapter stops. You don't get extras. You don't even get the original title.

The film ends with a call for tolerance and understanding, which is a nice sentiment but rings a bit hollow after the gay slaughter that has occurred for the previous 90 minutes. Indeed, the whole film feels a bit like a missed opportunity, as the idea of comparing the AIDS panic - and the fear promoted by the media of the time - with the hysteria created by a series of killings has some real potential. Unfortunately, this potential is snuffed out by lifeless acting, bland writing and dull direction. It's all competent (for the most part), but there's so little of interest here that watching it from start to finish - along with writing about it - can be a frustrating experience. City in Panic obviously wants to be more than it is, but doesn't bring enough to the table to rise above an already overstuffed genre.

Bloody Nightmares #35: Wishbone (2000)

A standard spin on W. W. Ja­cobs' The Monkey's Paw (or, perhaps more directly, Richard Matheson's Button, Button) Wish Bone starts out quite strongly - with better production values than many of the films in this collection - but eventually fails simply because the plot is dragged out to tedious lengths. By the time the third "party montage" comes along, all but the most patient viewers will be looking at their watches. Director Timothy Gaer simply doesn't capture the spirit that made those original stories - which have already been adapted dozens of times, with "Button, Button" getting a recent Hollywood adaptation as The Box - so fascinating, though there are enough examples of talent both in front and behind the camera to think that with a better and more focused script, this could have been something memorable.

About to graduate college and moving into her own apartment, Lori (Tiffany Lancia) is given an odd statuette known as a "wish-bone" as a present from her aunt and uncle. After a drunken party where several of her friends make joking wishes while holding the item, people in her neighborhood begin to mysteriously vanish and, even more strangely, the wishes begin to come true - starting with her friend Donna winning a million dollars. Skeptical at first, Lori soon discovers that the strange shop-owner who sold the statue to her Aunt and Uncle warned that any wish made on the statue would lead to a death, and (along with her fiance and friends) she tries to track down what has been causing all of the mysterious disappearances.

Starting with a reliable Twilight Zone premise - an object of immense power in the hands of ordinary people - Wishbone simply doesn't develop any of the characters in a way that makes them (or their decisions) worth caring about. Lori seems perfectly nice, though her eventual decision to start hunting potential kidnappers with a gun was a bit of a head-scratcher, and the sub-plot of her relaxing her virginal ways because of her near-death experience could be interesting in a different movie, but a plot like this should rely on internal turmoil and the struggle about whether to use the power that has been given, and that simply never happens. And since nearly all of the deaths occur to random people - and, with a few exceptions, tend to not be very stylish or interesting to watch - it's simply difficult to remain interested.

These pacing issues are exacerbated by the usual technical issues and oddities expected on low-budget productions, particularly the distracting editing choice to fade to black as a way of ending most scenes. This is a common mistake with young filmmakers who enjoy the smoothness of this transition, but actually demolishes any momentum that might have been built.  Even worse is that much of the film's dialogue is drowned out by the film's soundtrack, which is impressively diverse but adds nothing to most scenes. Thankfully the actually dialogue - when not being overwhelmed - has been adequately recorded. Add in the usual glitches and lighting issues during darker scenes (combined with the quality issues that come from squeezing four films onto a single disc in this collection) and it makes for a sometimes frustrating viewing experience.

To Gaer's credit, while there isn't much camera movement, there are efforts to expand the visual style away from just master shots cutting to close-ups. His direction show an eye for composition usually lacking in this collection, and there are a few scenes which effectively use some unique color and lighting. I was also generally impressed by the quality of acting, despite obviously being a group of amateurs. It's not exceptional quality, and there are still a few shaky performances, but the leads really do give a strong effort. Kudos as well for the surprising number of different locations, a rarity for such a low budget. Gaer was obviously able to get a lot of cooperation from the people of Scranton, PA and he makes good use of the various locales.

Wishbone is presented in a very shaky full-screen transfer which shows off plenty of digital artifacting, particularly in the darker scenes. While it's possible that the original source was this murky and glitchy looking, it's more likely that the compression necessary to fit this film on a disc with three others was the cause. Even outside of this rough transfer, the original video - likely DV - has a blurry softness to it that doesn't allow for much detail. I've already mentioned some of the sound issues due to the music being unnecessarily loud, but the soundtrack itself - while distracting because of the technical issue - is at least pleasantly diverse.

This is part of the Bloody Nightmares collection, so we're denied even the dignity of having chapter stops. There are, however, some weak outtakes that play during the closing credits. I'll take what I can get, but I would hope that there were more amusing errors made during filming than this.

There's something inherently fascinating about the idea of an object that grants wishes - more-so when the result of that wish concurrently creates some sort of tragedy. While the original Monkey's Paw involved the dangers with interfering with fate - the wishes were granted but inevitably led to a tragic event - Matheson's version took things a step further, where the titular button would grant a wish but would lead directly to the death of someone the pusher didn't know. This brings up some interesting questions regarding morality and desperation, and is at least closer in spirit to the wishbone of Timothy Gaer's film. Unfortunately, since almost the entire 90 minute running time of Wishbone is devoted to actually discovering the link between the random disappearances in the town and the granting of wishes, these themes are barely touched upon. What could have been a fascinating look at greed instead becomes sluggish, leading to a unsatisfying supernatural ending. Stronger writing doesn't cost anything except time and talent, and this film could have used a little more of both.

Bloody Nightmares #34: The Summer of the Massacre (2006)

Well, this is just terrible. A bafflingly misguided "tribute" to the grimy horror films of the 70s - most notably The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - this British shot-on-video horror film starts out awful before eventually grinding down to reprehensibly boring, lost in a sea of improvised conversations and endless, style-less chase scenes. Not only does director Bryn Hammond have the writing skill of a four year old - ably demonstrated by the multitude of confusing, near-unreadable title cards at the beginning and end  - but his direction totally sabotages some very attractive locations, and the editing is about as amateurish as your grandmother's home movies. This is about as close to a cinematic root-canal as you're likely to find.

After a 7 minute (!) run through the woods which introduces us to Hammerhead, a grunting Leatherface rip-off that looks like a cast-off from The Strangers and uses a tiny hammer to murder people for some undefined reason, we're introduced to our four leads who are making their way back home from school (?) in a particularly crappy old van. We know it's crappy because the four decide to spend many precious minutes improvising endless amounts of uninteresting dialogue talking about this very fact. The opening text - and, seriously, it's so badly written it should be the stuff of legend - describes the group as "very young" teenagers, but they are obviously the early-20s cannon fodder you would expect in a movie like this.

An ACTUAL title card.

Soon we're on our way, and I would be remiss to not mention that every time the film cuts to another angle there is an audible change in the film's sound quality, which continues for the rest of the running time and is extremely distracting. The flip-side is that Hammond lets the dialogue scenes go on endlessly without any edits at all, so I guess I shouldn't complain. We now get the requisite drive through the English countryside - which actually looks quiet pleasant - while superfluous screen title cards tell us how much time has passed. After a brief, painful discussion the group decide to take a shortcut to (ostensibly) save time, despite already running low on gas.

Does their lorry run out of petrol? You bet it does, and soon the entire crew is stranded in some very attractive (and visibly mowed) forest. Despite all four having cell phones, they oddly can't get any signal (this is 2006, people!) and despite only moments ago seeing plenty of vehicle traffic during a stop at an abandoned gas-station (don't ask), two of them decide to attempt to walk to get some fuel for the car. There's plenty more banal, at least semi-improvised dialogue that makes everyone involved seem totally incompetent, while the audience checks their watch to see if Hammerhead will be making an appearance soon.

Let's talk about the acting for a moment. The characters here are so ill-defined that it would be useless to single any out by name, but despite their necessity to burn up time with awful made-up dialogue they really are not terrible actors. Perhaps the accents are helping their cause, but they all seem to be trying awfully hard against a film that goes to a great effort to make them look totally idiotic. It's difficult to not feel sorry for them as they are somehow overpowered (and out-run) by some spindly weirdo in a mask, or as they are asked to constantly be tripping over nothing during the monotonous chase scenes. This would also be a good time to mention that one of the characters - Katie - is apparently supposed to be pregnant (a "very young" teenager) though I somehow completely missed this fact until it's mentioned during the film's (confusing) closing title card.

Back to the plot. Hammerhead shows up and kills one of the two "teens" who have chosen to stay with the van, hitting him in the head - unconvincingly - with a tiny hammer before saran-wrapping his head to a tree for a reason that still baffles me. I should note that not only is the hammer used by Hammerhead extremely little, it's also an actual hammer instead of a fake gimmick one, so we never get to see it make any sort of contact with his victims. In fact, he generally misses by several feet with each swing. Katie is also chased for an interminable amount of time before being beaten and tied up in the killer's filthy shack. Lucky her.

The two other teens return to the van - apparently unsuccessful in their petrol procurement - only to find Hammerhead rifling through it. Prepare for all of your favorite slasher movie chase clichés, as the two stumble and fall over repeatedly while the killer grunts and runs after them. This is all in broad, harsh daylight amongst some beautiful scenery, which doesn't exactly help with the tension levels. I'll skip to the end bit and tell you that - despite stabbing, beating and appearing to easily overpower their lanky tormentor - the two somehow get themselves killed. I give an audible sigh of relief, hoping that perhaps we'll get a ten minute credits sequence to end things off on a high note, but - no - apparently Katie is still kicking.

Katie manages to untie herself and wander around the shack - which looks to be a legitimate abandoned residence - before one more tiresome chase and fight that ends with the apparent death of Hammerhead. After ten minutes straight of nothing but screaming and grunting on the soundtrack, I have to admit that this was very welcome. The film's tagline says "The UK's answer to Jason Voorhees", so I'm sure everyone involved was hoping for an opportunity to make dozens of sequels with their toothless and derivative character, but sadly it looks like that won't be happening.

The ending title cards inform as that Katie lost her baby - which apparently existed - and that the killer is still at large. I can't really overemphasize how much the text on these cards appear to be written by someone with a very loose grasp on the English language. Spelling and grammar are at pre-school level which makes the fact that director Bryn Hammond actually owned and published his own magazine (called Gorezone) absolutely frightening. Equally amusing is Bryn's IMDB page, which has perhaps the silliest list of Personal Quotes I've ever read. I don't mean to make this a personal attack, but everything about that profile makes me want to push him down a flight of stairs.

And despite running a magazine (and brand) called Gorezone, this production is notably lacking in any sort of on-screen violence. Sure, there's a bit of blood and a few severed limbs at the end, but any effects are solely of the "hold this stick against you and pretend to be stabbed" variety. When one character has their hand supposedly nailed to a tree, the brief shot clearly shows the nail sticking out between her fingers, though at least Bryn (with his trademark "beauty spot on his right cheek") cuts away from it quickly.

The Summer of the Massacre (even the TITLE is awkward) is presented in a perfectly reasonable full-screen which has all of the usual glitches that we've come to expect in the Bloody Nightmares collection. There's plenty of digital artifacting during the chase scenes, but you're already probably so distracted by the poor quality of the production as a whole that it likely won't bother you. Thankfully the sound quality is quite reasonable, and dialogue is comprehensible despite a lot of mumbling and thick accents. There's a bit of original music - including an opening theme - but no actual score, with Bryn preferring to instead soundtrack the many chases with various grunts and squeaks. How pleasant.

We're in Bloody Nightmares territory, so we don't even get any chapter stops. Special features? You're in the wrong place. The most special thing about this production is that it's mercifully only 72 minutes long.

Perhaps second only to Hip Hop Locos in terms of painful awkwardness, The Summer of the Massacre seems to do just about every possible thing wrong yet still remains pitifully turgid and humorless. I have shown a lot of respect to the filmmakers in this collection who have attempted to create something original despite creative and budgetary limitations, but I find Hammond's lack of attention to his craft personally offensive, and can only hope that he's vastly improved his efforts since. Frankly, he has nowhere to go but up. Stay far away.

Bloody Nightmares #33: Slasher (aka Blood Cult) (1985)

Blood Cult (renamed Slasher for this collection, despite its general notoriety and the existence of a sequel) was the very first straight-to-video film ever released, which affords it a rather unique place in movie history. Not surprisingly, it's also a cheapo slasher film, and - critically - is also shot on video, giving it that unique early 80s porno look. Utilizing a nine day shooting schedule, director Christopher Lewis tells a by-the-number stalk and slash tale with requisite nods to Halloween and Psycho, but with some gore thrown in for good measure. I've actually seen another of Lewis' shot-on-video epics, Ripper (1985) (which features a small appearance by Tom Savini), and he's a bland if capable director who gets some reasonable mileage out of his slasher scenes, but pads out his running time interminably with scenes of characters sitting around and talking.

But here's the good news for me. I can't give this film a proper review, as the fine folks at Pendulum Pictures managed to botch the transfer of Blood Cult quite spectacularly for its appearance in the Bloody Nightmares collection. What starts out dark and glitchy becomes totally unwatchable, as the final 30 minutes of the movie are totally without sound! Indeed, at a critical moment in the film the soundtrack goes completely mute and it doesn't return for the entirety of the rest of the movie. That said, here are a few thoughts on the plot, since I'd hate to not give the film its due.

"Have you ever had an Egyptian feast?" Oh, sorry. Wrong movie. Anyway, a masked killer is slashing his way through a group of sorority girls, baffling local Sheriff Ron Wilbois (Charles Ellis) who seems rather overwhelmed by a serial killer terrifying his small town. Oddly, the killer also leaves a medallion featuring the image of a dog's head the scene of his crimes, and takes pieces of his victim's bodies for an apparent ritual. How do we know this? Well, thankfully the Sheriff's daughter works at the college library, and manages to track down an occult book which explains that the killings might have to do with some sort of ancient ceremony. Under pressure from the Dean, Wilbois tracks down a complaint from a local farmer regarding apparent poachers making a lot of noise and lighting fires in the nearby woods - which just might be caused by the titular blood cult. While checking out the nighttime ritual - along with his daughters boyfriend for reasons I can't begin to comprehend - the.. whole movie goes totally silent. I did scan ahead to find out who the killer was - spoiler: it's ridiculous - but the exact details of how and why the whole thing pans out isn't something I'm prepared to guess at.

The film opens with a well-staged ten minute murder scene ripped wholesale from Halloween, but at least proves that Lewis can be a capable director when inspired. Even better is the immediately following murder scene where the killer sits in a rocking chair, having decapitated a sorority girl before beating her room-mate unconscious with her severed head. Unfortunately things go rapidly downhill from here, slowing to a crawl as we get a voice-over from the aged Sheriff and his encounters with his daughter and deputy. Lewis tries to spice these scenes up with a few interesting angles, but a nine day shoot doesn't allow for much inventiveness and most scenes are just extended padding to try and get this mess to 90 minutes.

Acting is about what you would expect, though at least the cast seem to know their lines fairly well and only a few flubs are left in the final film. Charles Ellis as Ron Wilbois does a serviceable job, and it's sort of nice to have a protagonist thats a bit older, but he looks as baffled by the plot as anyone else. The less said about James Vance's odd looking Joel Hogan the better, and I'm guessing the biggest acting test for Juli Andelman (as Wilbois' daughter) came after the film went silent. Oh well.

Gore is strictly of the sliced limbs and fake blood variety, though there's a slow gag at the school cafeteria featuring some severed fingers if you're into that sort of thing. You'll never actually care about anyone who is in danger in these scenes, but that's sort of par for the course with these nothing slasher films. It does have a better than average soundtrack by Rod Slane, which at least occasionally makes the proceedings feel like an actual movie, but it really only stands out because of the averageness that surrounds it.

Blood Cult is presented in a murky, dark presentation likely sourced from a VHS tape - this re-edit of the film occurred in 1997, so it's a little hard to say, but there are digital glitches regularly throughout. Lots of digital artifacting, particularly in the darker scenes, but aside from some shaky moments during the second murder scene it's fairly standard VHS quality. Lots of noise on the soundtrack forced me to crank the volume to be able to make out some of the dialogue, and even then it was a little messy, but that could have as much to do with the transfer as with the original recording.

It's hardly worth mentioning that, this being a Bloody Nightmares release, we don't get any special features or even chapter stops. However, allowing me to get away with not watching the final 30 minutes is like a bonus feature in an of itself. Thanks, Pendulum Pictures!

I don't feel comfortable giving a solid opinion on a film that I missed thirty minutes of, but I can safely say that while there are a smattering of interesting moments in the initial hour, this is generally an uninspired slasher that does nothing to rise above the hundred others that were pouring out in the mid-1980s. It's certainly more polished that most of the efforts in this collection - featuring a fine musical score and competent direction - but it's more memorable for its place in the history of straight-to-video productions than for anything original it brings to the table. Followed by Revenge: Blood Cult 2 in 1986.

Bloody Nightmares #33: Off the Beaten Path (2004)

Perhaps the only film more influential to low-budget horror filmmakers than 1999's The Blair Witch Project, which sadly convinced many aspiring directors that all it takes to make a 100 million dollar blockbuster is to run around in the woods with a camcorder, was Sam Raimi's original The Evil Dead. What these two films have in common is that they took the tools of movie-making out of the hands of the studios with their limitless resources and extravagant budgets and showed  how - with enough raw talent and an original concept - a simple group of individals with modest resources can create something raw and terrifying. Unfortunately, too many directors misinterpted these successes, instead attempting to mine their own fame and fortune by imitating, spoofing or just plain ripping off these projects. Director Jason Stephenson has at least decided to pay tribute to his obvious influences in a fairly original way, mashing elements of the two together in his abbreviated shot-on-dv horror film Off the Beaten Path.

As with Blair Witch, Off the Beaten Path begins with a group of filmmakers attempting to make a documentary about a town's local legend - in this case a murderer/satanist named Jasper Hagan in the township of Gateway, Minnesota. The three friends meet up with a local journalist, Brenda (Jessie Welsch), who has suggested that the killer might be an interesting topic to explore, though seems a little hesitant once the crew actually start heading to the property where the murders took place. Chuck, the director, along with videographer Randy find some odd satanic markings on the trees around the area, as well as an upside down crucifix, but both Chuck's girlfriend Dina and Brenda suggest turning back. Finding a tree blocking the way of the narrow road, Chuck and Randy decide to explore the three cabins on the property while Dina and Brenda remain in the truck. Soon we get hints of a malevolent force in the woods (shown in a first person Evil Dead style), and Chuck and Randy find signs of satanic ceremonies and writings. Will the force possess several members of the cast forcing Chuck to run for his life? Good guess!

I must say that Jason Stephenson starts off this film quite impressively, using the (rather tired) camcorder perspective to get some necessary exposition out of the way during the group's long drive, and then having the group encounter a jogger (Chris Prew, who is by far the strongest and most natural actor in the film) who explains a bit more about the local legend. However, once the group arrives at the restaurant (where they are to meet Brenda), much of the documentary conceit starts to get rather confusing, as they seem to want to shoot an entire documentary in a couple of hours despite setting up no interviews and having no real plan of attack. Even Chuck's attempts at "hosting" the proceedings comes off as bumbling and awkward, and the camera perspective is soon dropped for a more traditional combination of handheld documentary and traditionally shot scenes.

The tension in these scenes is also undercut by the fact that the female characters seem to get hysterical almost immediately - well before anything aside from some weird carvings in the woods have been found. Combine this with some extremely sloppy editing - and an egregious overuse of fading to black - and the film never really develops a proper rhythm. There are still some creepy images - natural when you're talking about the natural eeriness of an abandoned cabin in the woods - but a slower build to the eventual possessions would have done the film a lot of good.

After watching and reviewing 32 of the films in this collection I've become rather numbed to the amateur acting that inevitably comes with these productions, though I'm happy to say that the leads here - who appear to be improvising at least certain parts of their dialogue - really do seem to be trying awfully hard. In fact, with some more coherent editing and a willingness to retry a few rough takes some of the performances might actually be impressive, though as is there's simply too much stumbling over lines and mishandled dialogue to rise much above mediocre. Todd Hansen as Chuck might make for a lousy documentarian, but until the final scenes - where he has to emote by himself to the camera - he does a good job playing a slightly pompous and curious filmmaker. Jessie Welsch as Brenda is the biggest victim of the general sloppiness, as her big scene explaining the legend of what occurred in the woods is undone by her tripping over her lines repeatedly. It's meant to come off as natural, but just comes off as clumsy.

It is nice to see a film in this collection that attempts to develop tension and mood rather than just throwing buckets of gore at the screen, and Stephenson does do a good job of keeping the many outdoor scenes well lit, and the sound is thankfully consistent throughout. The choice to use ambient sounds instead of a traditionally composed soundtrack is also a smart one, as cheaply produced music almost inevitably betrays a film's budget and would be inappropriate in this style.

Off the Beaten Path is presented in a fullscreen 4:3 image of mixed quality. While it was obviously shot on digital video, the transfer on the Bloody Nightmares disc - which we must remember is packed with three other films - allows for a lot of pixilation. Combine this was some noticeable glitching (some of which is intentional, but some obviously not) and you get a fine, though occasionally frustrating viewing experience. 

There's actually a feature packed DVD version of Off the Beaten Path out there, but this being a Bloody Nightmares feature it's strictly bare bones. Expecting chapter stops? Too bad, sucker.

Runing only 64 minutes, Off the Beaten Path is well paced and does a good job establishing a mythology, but ends up being hurt by its inability to stay true to its own concept. While the mixing of Blair Witch and Evil Dead elements does end up creating a spooky atmosphere with some moments of genuine interest, poor acting and showy editing frustratingly undermines what good work is on display. There's some definite talent being shown here, and with a little more time and effort this could have been something interesting, despite its derivativeness. Not boring, but not worth your time.

Bloody Nightmares #32: Zombie Rampage (1989/1991)

During a recent viewing of Bruce McDonald's Pontypool, I began to ponder just how oddly versatile the zombie film genre has become. Despite some serious over-saturation, talented filmmakers still manage to wring out new and interesting perspectives on the shuffling dead in a variety of different artistic mediums. Now that we're inundated with successful mainstream films, books and even television series', it's hard to believe that it wasn't too long ago that fans had to resort to somewhat less polished efforts to get their zombie fix. And, yes, sometimes that means dipping into works of auteur director Todd Sheets, the low budget maestro who also brought us Nightmare Asylum and Prehistoric Bimbos In Armageddon City. By 1989 the bloom was off the zombie rose, coming before Tom Savini's remake of Night Of The Living Dead or Peter Jackson's Braindead, so Sheets - obviously a massive fan of the genre - decided to get some friends, some camcorders and some animal entrails together and put on a show. The result was Zombie Rampage, which swings wildly between incoherent and amateurish, but does manage to provide plenty of gut-munching for particularly undemanding audiences. The version of the film in the Bloody Nightmares collection has an opening disclaimer stating that this is the "director's cut", so take that for what it's worth.

Note: That is not how discretion is spelled.

Two gangs from the mean street of Kansas City - one led by Sheets himself - have an old fashioned brawl (with a rock cover of "Spirit In the Sky" in the background) that leaves a few members dead. Upset, one of the gang leaders gets an occult paperback book that is said to bring the dead back to life, though the other gang manages to get the same book and - after a particularly windy reading of incantations - manage to create the titular zombie rampage. The gang members are quickly consumed, leaving the leader (and king asshole) Tommy (Dave Byerly) to hole up at a bar, alongside the young bemulleted Dave (Erin Kehr) and his girlfriend. There's also big dopey serial killer roaming around for some reason. Soon they are all overwhelmed by zombies of various quality - from halloween fun mask, to gooey burn victim - and the constantly bickering Tommy and Dave (along with their girlfriends) attempt to escape down an elevator shaft. And then there are a couple of shots of zombies, and the whole thing ends. Huh. How about that.

I feel like I'm repeating myself by mentioning that Zombie Rampage is a total amateur effort, featuring consistently terrible acting, special effects, writing and direction. I suspected - based on Sheets other efforts - that this would be the case going in, but this movie has some unique quirks that are particularly baffling. For one, the transition between the gang's efforts to raise the dead and the panic that leads to the characters attempting to seal themselves in a bar is totally nonexistent. There appears to be at least five minutes of exposition that is totally missing, and characters who seemed absolutely fine one minute, are suddenly (and incompetently) attempting to seal up doors and windows the next. Then things just get strange, as we're shown some random guy getting bitten outside a church(?) and a young man and woman attempting to nurse his wound, another couple attempting to hide in some sort of boiler room, and of course there's the serial killer subplot which is a real head scratcher.

And then there's the ending. I actually went back and watched it a second time to see if I may have missed some sort of event that would trigger the closing credits. Maybe the characters slipped into the elevator shaft? Maybe they were suddenly overrun by zombies? All we get is the voice-over from the ending of Lucio Fulci's Zombi implying that the city is overrun, but the characters get absolutely no visual resolution. The IMDB does imply that there is a Zombie Rampage 2 out there, but I can't find any concrete evidence supporting this. Needless to say, what is already a confusing film is saddled with a particularly unsatisfying ending.

Note: Quite a visible boom mic in the bottom left.

But let's look on the bright side. First, this isn't nearly as awful as Nightmare Asylum. The acting is a smidge better, and while characters still constantly shout unintelligible dialogue over each other, at least the first twenty minutes seems to make some sort of sense. The music is also much better than in the other Sheets films I've seen, no longer relying on public domain classical music and instead featuring a mix of rock songs and dated synthy stuff - as well as some more recognizable genre thefts. There's also plenty of guts to go around if you're into that sort of thing, though the special effects are inconsistent - the knife used by the serial killer has obviously been cut off, and most scenes of cannibalism are just a pile of entrails laying on someone's stomach.

I also can't help but note two particularly ridiculous moments. First, there's a scene where a woman is pushing a baby carriage through a street at a comically late hour before being attacked by zombies. I give Sheets some bad-taste credit for also having the ghouls tear her baby - which is obviously just a children's doll - to bits, An inspired bit of sickness. Second, one random character decides to blow his own brains out, which leads to a delightfully extended sequence that - despite the sorrowful music in the background - is absolutely impossible to take seriously. Needless to say, if you guessed that a slew of brains end up coating the wall, you would be correct.

Baseball fury? Or zombie mime?

Zombie Rampage has obviously been transferred directly from an old VHS tape and features the requisite tracking issues and washed out colors you expect from that format. It's a shot-on-VHS production, so image quality is iffy, and there's a notable hiss on the soundtrack throughout. Sound is a constant issue, particularly in the early scenes where wind consistently drowns out dialogue, and I again had to switch to headphones in order to attempt to make sense of what was being said. Despite many outdoor scenes at night, the lighting is thankfully serviceable. 

My understanding is that one of the selling points of the "Director's Cut" of Zombie Rampage is that there was a collection of extra features, but we get none of them here. And once again there are no chapter stops, so prepare yourself before you dive in.

Teenage mullet fury.

Perhaps I'm growing more fond of Todd Sheets' work, or perhaps my expectations have just shifted appropriately, but Zombie Rampage isn't nearly as offensively awful as I was expecting. It's still wholly nonsensical - and a frustrating experience for those not used to the limitations of no-budget films - but in all it's fairly painless, and would have delivered the goods for a zombie-crazed 14 year old version of myself. Strangely, it seems like Sheets' work actually regressed after this film, as this is the best of the three efforts of his that I've seen. Best to stick with one of the many, many, many superior zombie options that are available.

Bloody Nightmares #31: Scarlet Fry's Junkfood Horrorfest (2007)

Anthology films are a popular and cost-effective avenue for a no-budget filmmaker as they allow for an inconsistent shooting schedule, they can be assembled slowly when actors and resources are available, and the short running time of each segment can help avoid the pacing and story problems which so often plague films shot on video. All of that said, aside from some notable exceptions, anthology films are almost always terrible, as it takes serious skill to be able to tell a satisfying story in such a brief amount of time. Scarlet Fry's Junkfood Horrorfest (incorrectly titled "Scarlett Fry" on the DVD) is a particularly poor and bloated example of the genre with six separate segments (as well as an intro and linking segments hosted by the titular Scarlet Fry) all fitting into the film's brief 66 minute run-time.

We begin with a completely superfluous introduction where a junkie (played by Alice Cooper's daughter Calico Cooper) beats a dealer to death with a tire iron for giving her a VHS tape instead of dope. She grabs some guy off the street (while she's still covered in blood) and the two sit down to watch the movie which - surprise - ends up being the film we're watching! It's both meta AND padding. We then see our horror host Scarlet Fry, who is basically an evil redneck demon who cracks off-color jokes while a woman is tied up behind him. I have a lot of forgiveness for the horror host tradition, and recognize that lame jokes are par for the course, but these segments are all pretty uninteresting. Fry (real name Walter Ruether) is enthusiastic, but totally forgettable. I'll summarize the film's segments, as they are all less than ten minutes each.

Bloodthirsty Butcher - A fat guy sits in his apartment complaining to himself about being hungry. He meets a young woman in the laundry room and invites her back to his apartment for lunch. Once there he strangles her, chops her up with a butcher knife and gnaws on a fake rubber arm.

Yes, this is the whole bit. There's no twist or joke, and there's no actual story being told. And that sets the pattern for the rest of the films, which are really more a series of vignettes than traditional anthology sequences. The most notable thing about Bloodthirsty Butcher is the awful dubbing which takes place in the laundry room (probably not a great place to record sound at the best of times), and the very fact that the filmmakers believed that "fat hungry guy eats someone" was enough of a story to waste our time with.

The Solution - Shot in B&W (for some reason) this segment shows a nurse pushing an (unconvincing) older gentleman in a wheelchair through a park. When they stop for a moment for lunch, he refuses to be fed and obviously irritates her. Meanwhile a guy parks his car nearby, takes a rifle out of the trunk and shoots the old man. The nurse jumps around happily and hugs the guy and they drive off together.

Possibly the worst segment in the whole collection, and that's saying something. Pointless and unfunny. Any hope I had for the rest of this movie was totally crushed by the end of this segment.

Back with Scarlet and he crushes the skull of a woman who asks for directions to a hospital. Ha ha?

Griptape Spank - While the first two segments are simply lame and boring, this one is more actively offensive. Three skater punks - who speak the most ridiculous skater "lingo" I've heard since Gleaming The Cube - need five dollars to buy some pot. Donnie, the leader of the pack, convinces his two pals to come with him to a parking garage where they proceed to spank a RIDICULOUS "gay" character with their skateboards for cash. After buying weed, the three go back to Donnie's place where his friends ridicule him for the whole spanking thing (even though they joined in) and he's emasculated by his girlfriend ("I thought I was with a man, not a little faggot."). After some bad dreams where he's further mocked, Donnie takes out his frustration by hammering nails into his skateboard and beating the gay guy to death. He comes home and goes back to bed, but after waking up his girlfriend continues to make fun so he smothers her to death. THE END.

You could read into this plot summary that Directors/Writers Brian Crow and Walter Ruether were actually poking fun at some of the homophobia prevalent in youth culture. Perhaps Donnie's own confused sexuality makes him act out violently when confronted. However, Ruether's later film Nightmare Alley (2010) features another vignette where a homosexual is killed for propositioning someone at a bus stop, so I'd suggest that something much more malevolent and unpleasant is being suggested here.

Wasted Life - Thankfully, we get some lighter material here. A guy (played by the director) - who apparently lives in the same apartment as the Bloodthirsty Butcher in the first segment - gets into a tub and slits his wrist while slash metal plays.

Well, that's certainly depressing. We know nothing about the person except that it's hinted he's broken up with his girlfriend, and he writes a brief suicide note. None of it is very convincing or disturbing, which makes you wonder why it's here in the first place. Though, I suppose the same could be said for the entire production.

Back with Scarlet Fry where one of his victims gets loose so he has to kill her. Inspired!

The Devil Made Me Do It - A woman witnesses her boyfriend performing a satanic ceremony and - after a brief argument where he threatens to kill her if she leaves - she shoots him. Leaving the body on the floor she decides to have a shower, and when she comes out he chokes her and then pulls out her guts.

Stupid and awful, of course. But it does feature one of the most unconvincing phone conversations I've ever seen in a film. The woman picks up the receiver and immediately starts talking, and then once she finishes she immediately puts it down without giving any sort of indication that there was someone on the other end. The acting is particularly bad here.

And with that we get a goodbye from Scarlet Fry and the credits begin to roll. But wait, the credits stop and a voice-over tells us that there's one more tale to be told. This one must be special if they left it until the end, right?

Love is Blind - A woman tells her asshole boyfriend that she thinks she might be pregnant. He acts like a jerk, so when she comes back the next day she pretends to seduce him before sticking pins in his chest, sewing his mouth shut and poking out his eye. She then laughs maniacally.

This one is the most creatively violent of all of the segments, but it also features the worst displays of acting - and that's saying something. As well, while the guy is clearly a dick, torturing and murdering him seems like a bit of an overreaction, and her transition to "homicidal" doesn't really make any sense. And that's it. This was so bad it had me begging for the work of Todd Sheets.

Scarlet Fry's Junkfood Horrorfest is presented in perfectly watchable (in terms of visual quality) full-screen without any noticeable glitches. Aside from the bad dubbing in Bloodthirsty Butcher the audio is generally clear and comprehensible. Some music was composed by Alice Cooper guitarist Ryan Roxie, which along with Cooper's daughter making a brief appearance at the beginning would constitute something resembling star-power, but it's all forgettable, generic rock.

An anthology film would be really suited to having chapter stops. But, this being a Bloody Nightmares disc, we get no chapter stops or bonus features (unless you count that final segment, and I don't).

While stronger technically than many of the films in the Bloody Nightmares collection, Scarlet Fry's Junkfood Horrorfest is wholly unpleasant and features not one segment that is even tolerable for an average viewer. The acting and writing are absolutely pitiful, and even my most modest expectations for entertainment were quickly snuffed out by the pointless vignettes. The filmmakers obviously had some willing actors and reasonable equipment, so that the result is so god-awful is truly inexcusable. Stay far away from this one.