Kyonyû doragon: Onsen zonbi vs sutorippâ 5 (The Big Tits Dragon) (2010)

Part of the oddly popular "stripper vs zombie" sub-genre (which also includes Zombie Strippers! (2008) and Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! (2008)),  Kyonyû doragon: Onsen zonbi vs sutorippâ 5 - also known by a multitude of increasingly offensive titles - may originate from the manga Kyonyū Dragon by Rei Mikamoto, but it's obviously heavily influenced by the recent slate of ultra-violent low-budget Japanese exploitation films like Machine Girl and Tokyo Gore Police, as well as Quentin Tarantino's Grindhouse and Kill Bill whose attempts at a modern exploitation rebirth are echoed in the spaghetti western references of the soundtrack, and in its deliberately aged and scratched opening credits. With a title like this you probably know what you're in for, and thankfully director Takano Nakano (who also helmed the wonderfully titled Sexual Parasite: Killer Pussy (2004)) seems to feel obligated to deliver the goods. 

We begin with a grammatically iffy lift of the title card from Sergio Leone's For a Few Dollars More, and you could be excused for beginning to grow concerned about the quality control already on display. Thankfully such concerns are pushed to the wayside as we're thrown into an immediate bloody fray between the chainsaw wielding Lena Jodo (Japanese AV star Sola Aoi) and a hoard of zombies of surprisingly varying quality. We very quickly get an idea of what we're going to be in for over the next 73 minutes - lots of CG-assisted splatter and flying limbs in the mold of Troma films, and with a winking sense of humor lest you get concerned that a film also known as Big Tit Zombies might get a bit too dark.

The plot follows Lena - newly arrived back in Japan after a booze-fueled trip through Mexico (she carries a sombrero and some obvious Spaghetti Western undertones) - as she gets a job stripping at the Paradise Ikagawa Theater, along with former criminal Ginko (AV star Risa Kasumi), Gothic Lolita Maria (Gravure idol Mari Sakurai), money obsessed Dana (Io Aikawa) and the older Nene (Tamayo). After a temporary closing due to lack of business, the five find themselves incredibly bored and begin working at a local Spa to make some extra money. Thankfully they manage to find a secret door in the dressing room which leads to a room that includes both a Well of Spirits and a Necronomicon, which Maria (who is constantly quoting Shakespeare and Rochefoucauld) wastes no time in using to bring the dead to life. These are the shuffling, bite-one-and-you-become-one type of zombies, and soon the town is overrun.

Dana gets eaten rather quickly, but while Lena, Ginko and a newly bitten Nene attempt to escape, Maria gleefully accepts life as a zombie queen. We soon discover that Ginko holds a horrible secret involving her time in prison, while Nene develops a fire-spouting vagina - quelled by a quick gun blast to the head. Lena and Ginko decide to seal up the Well of Spirits, but they'll have to contend with Maria, the puppet head of zombie Dana (simultaneously both the film's worst and most enjoyable effect) and a slew of zombies. Oh, and as expected they lose their tops a couple of times each as well.

It might be excessive to mention that the film's proceedings take place with tongue pressed firmly through cheek, but I was actually impressed with some of the sharp writing on display - particularly in Maria's ridiculous Lolita character who takes time to explain the political themes of Romero's Night of the Living Dead, and refers to a severed hand as an "ultimate wrist slitting" (Maria is earlier shown to be a cutter, and her Goth love is a constant source of amusement). There are purely bizarre moments: zombie sushi, eyeball ping-pong, battling an extended zombie tongue with wasabi paste, but they all contribute to the unhinged, anything-can-happen atmosphere. 

While slow to get going - at least after the opening scene which nearly repeats in full at the film's end - the pace builds nicely to an impressive final half hour, even as the quality of the special effects starts to get a bit sketchy. Visual effects are by Tsuyoshi Kazuno, who also worked on Machine Girl, RoboGeisha, and similar projects, and if you've seen the copious ridiculous visual effects in those films you probably know what to expect. As a director Nakano is inconsistent, though he's obviously willing to accept his limitations and manages to fit in a few moody shots when he's not zooming into his cast's cleavage. This is obviously quick and dirty filmmaking, though has a similar anarchic spirit to earlier film's like the Guitar Wolf starring Wild Zero.

Acting awards go to Sola Aoi in the lead - she brings a lot of charisma and energy to a role that demands it - and Mari Sakurai who brings a fun twist to the villain role. Risa Kasumi is attractive, but is a bland performer and looks uncomfortable and stiff during her action scenes. She's also saddled with the only thing resembling drama in the film, but unfortunately doesn't exude the toughness needed for the role. Watch out for comedian Minoru Torihada who pops up briefly at the film's end.

I should mention that this film was also released in a 3D version, though I've read only a handful of short sequences that take advantage of the format - with a countdown that appears on the screen when necessary. I doubt you'll be missing much watching this in 2D, but if you want to get the full Big Tits Dragon experience you'll need to pony up for that edition.

An intentionally goofy and gleefully rough around the edges gorefest, Kyonyû doragon: Onsen zonbi vs sutorippâ 5 wraps the requisite amount of laughs, breasts and blood into its brief run time. While obviously saddled by budgetary limitations and the casting of porno actresses in some of the lead roles, there is enough demented chaos on display to keep all but the most jaded viewer from cracking a smile. At the very least it delivers exactly what it promises, and there's certainly nothing wrong with that.

Entrails Of A Virgin (1986)

As a dissatisfied youth growing up in Newfoundland in the mid-1990s I used to scour over the film listings in the Video Search of Miami guides, or other similar rare movie collections, astounded at the idea of so many strange and fascinating international films that I may never get the chance to actually see. One title that always jumped out at me was Kazuo 'Gaira' Komizu's notorious Entrails of a Virgin, which seemed to hold an almost pornographic vileness in its title alone. Of course my knowledge of the film beyond the lurid title was limited, so that Synapse has gone to the trouble to release the film on DVD certainly caught my attention. Could it possibly live up to the images that floated about my teenage head?

Well of course not. I was a twisted teen. And the truth is that this combination of sex and violence (“one candy, twice the fun” as Komizu says in the special features) makes an uneasy mix, particularly the former which is expressed in endless soft-core sex scenes featuring copious amounts of dry humping and the usual Japanese digital blurring. The extremes of violence seem to imply an over-the-top, humorous attitude, but the characters are so unpleasant and thinly drawn that what could have been a lot of sleazy fun just left me cold.

The barely existent plot certainly isn't going to win points for originality. A group of female models and photographers are headed to their next shooting location when, because of some overwhelming fog, they run into what they believe is an animal. It's actually a bizarre (and unexplained) mud-man who decides to take revenge on the group when they take refuge in an abandoned cabin. That night the photographers show themselves to be truly reprehensible, humiliating one of the girls in a wrestling match before forcing themselves on the other two. Soon the mud-monster-man gets in on the action, gruesomely killing the men and raping the women -including the psychotic Kei (Megumi Kawashima) who has been driven insane by her humiliation - before targeting the virginal Rei (Saeko Kizuki).

Komizu actually fills the early scenes with some amount of style, inter-cutting shots of the women modeling with some intense, near-pornographic sex scenes. And the early scenes of forest covered in fog brings to mind The Evil Dead and similar “cabin in the woods” horror movies. These early modest pleasures are soon replaced with repetitive, tiresome scenes of the women being man-handled, along with the monster sulking around and occasionally murdering one of the cast. These murders are cartoonish, involving rubber heads and unconvincing effects, and serve only to momentarily break up the sex.

Things do start to pick up slightly in the last act, with Kei's madness adding to the proceedings – culminating in the film's most notorious scene where she uses a severed arm to masturbate with. This is one of the few scenes which are able to capitalize on the bad-taste promise of the title, but nothing else really comes close to matching it, despite some truly unpleasant shots of various bodily fluids. Komizu sometimes throws in a few interesting shots, particularly during the murders which are occasionally punctuated with a random clip of meat being pulverized, but these interesting moments are few and far between and there's little evidence that the director is trying to say anything interesting.

It's a little hard to judge acting skill in a film like this, particularly when it's subtitled, but the models are all attractive, though creepily young looking. The scummy photographers are reprehensible from the first frame, and never come close to redeeming themselves. The mud-man is exactly that, an actor with mud and grass packed over parts of his body. Special effects are weak, but it's this cartoonishness which actually keeps the film from being a total waste of time.

Despite my reservations on the quality of the film itself, Synapse has again done a wonderful job bringing it to DVD, along with its spiritual sequels Entrails Of A Beautiful Woman (1986) and Female Inquisitor (1987). The image quality is a bit dark, but that's likely a fault of the filmmakers, and subtitles are clear and easy to read. There is very little incidental music in the film, and what is there - composed by Hideki Furusawa - isn't very impressive.

The only included special feature is an interview with director Kazuo 'Gaira' Komizu, who proves to be truly obnoxious in the brief conversation. More interested in babbling on about nonsense than talking about his film, the whole thing becomes irritating rather quickly. Quite a dissapointment.

Perhaps if I had seen Entrails Of A Virgin as a teen it would have been as shocking as its title would imply, but while there are still a few loathsome moments throughout the final product is very difficult to trudge through - despite the mercifully short running time. The sex is almost wholly unpleasant, and the violence is too silly and short-lived to appeal to fans of gore. Synapse has done a good job of bringing this title to North America, but in the end it's simply too boring and repetitive to enjoy as anything but a slight bad-taste curiosity.

The Beyond (1981)

It's no secret to informed movie viewers that Lucio Fulci's The Beyond is both adored and reviled in almost equal measure. Beautiful, surreal and revoltingly grotesque the film retains the ability to shock with its series of nasty set pieces, while remaining consistently frustrating for its incoherent plotting and inconsistent performances. For patient viewers in the right state of mind, however, The Beyond is the ultimate haunted house nightmare, crafted by a master of the genre working at the height of his powers.

We begin at the Seven Doors Hotel in Louisiana way back in 1927, where an accused warlock named Schweick is captured and crucified in the basement by an angry mob which, oops, happens to open one of the seven gates to hell. After the opening credits we flash to the present (aka 1981) where the young Liza (Catriona MacColl) has inherited and begun to renovate the crumbling hotel. Soon, however, strange accidents begin to occur around the property, including a painter falling off a scaffolding after witnessing some ghostly eyes inside. But it's when Schweick's body is uncovered by an unfortunate plumber that hell begins to (literally) break loose. Liza is helped by the blind, mysterious Martha (Veronica Lazar) and by the skeptical doctor John McCabe (David Warbeck), but things begin to rapidly spin out of control as hell starts to spill out of the gate.

Got that? Good. Now ignore it. Because if you're looking for this film to make a lot of narrative sense you're going to be sorely disappointed. What Fulci has on the menu is a series of surreal visions of hell on earth served up in no particular order, but with a very simple goal: keep the audience in a constant state of uneasiness. Eyeballs are mangled, faces are melted, and brains are splattered everywhere. Scares of spiders? Heights? Darkness? Zombies? Ghosts? Hospitals? It's all grist for Fulci's mill, and attempting to enjoy it on this level - as something designed to tap into your basest fears - is really the only way to understand its devoted cult following.

Anyone even peripherally familiar with Fulci's oeuvre won't be surprised to hear that the level of violence on display is truly astounding, even by modern standards. But this is no simple exercise in grand guignol. Fulci constructs his scenes with a master's touch, doing the very least necessary to create sympathetic characters before immediately thrusting them into the worst imaginable situations. When the plumber's wife visits the hospital to dress his corpse, it's only minutes till her face is being melted horrifically (and confusingly) by acid, her skin popping and bubbling in a revolting rainbow of colour. In many ways these are the cheapest kind of thrills, but they are thrills nonetheless.

Which isn't meant to discount the actual suspense that Fulci and his collaborators bring to individual scenes. Fabio Frizzi's creeping, Goblin-like score wring operatic tension throughout, and Fulci makes great use of his New Orleans locations. Certain images linger in the brain long after watching, particularly the shows after Liza and John mistakingly open the gates of hell and rush out the hotel, the camera lingering as the silhouetted zombies rise up in the windows. Much has also been made of the film's final shocking minutes which build wonderful and effectively without the use of gory effects. With Fulci the destination is rarely in doubt, but his obvious skill makes the journey one well worth travelling.

Previously better known as 7 Doors Of Death (in a severely cut form), in the 90s The Beyond was restored and enjoyed a brief theatrical release thanks to Quentin Tarantino's Rolling Thunder Pictures and Grindhouse Releasing. The Anchor Bay release of The Beyond is presented in its original 2.35:1 aspect ratio in a clean and colorful print featuring only minor print damage, and this uncut presentation will be a revelation to those used to the shoddy VHS versions. The sound options are extensive, with English tracks available in Dolby Digital Surround 5.1 and the original mono English, as well as an Italian language track. Like with most Italian films of the time, The Beyond was filmed silent with a mixture of English speaking and Italian actors who then dubbed their voices in post-production. In this case, where even many of the Italian actors are mouthing broken English, the English options are likely the best.

Available previously in a limited edition tun (which included lobby cards and a booklet on Fulci and his films), Anchor Bay has included some extensive special features which shed a little light on the film's worldwide fandom. Most substantial is a feature length commentary which features stars David Warbeck and Catriona MacColl. Recorder shortly before Warbeck's death from cancer - he references his sickness several times throughout - the two are nonetheless humourous and relaxed, relating anecdotes about working with Fulci (who could apparently be a bit of a terror on set) while poking fun at the film's shortcomings. It's a refreshingly honest commentary and very entertaining.

Images From The Beyond is a 16 minute grab bag of special features, including a collection of posters and marketing art, behind the scenes photos, and some short interview segments with Warbeck, MacColl and Fulci himself. Three trailers for the film, including the U.S. re-release, International and German trailers, are available but all of them contain significant spoilers so viewers should be aware going in. There's also a forgettable video for the song And You Will Live In Terror by the thrash band Necrophagia (directed by Deadbeat At Dawn's Jim Van Bebber) which features gory clips from the movie interspersed with lousy shot-on-video footage of the band performing.

Also interesting is a full color version of the film's pre-credit sequence taken from its German release. Stripped of the sepia tone used in the standard version, the scenes of Schweick getting whipped with chains and melted with lime are even more unpleasantly gruesome. With a little bit of digging there are also two neat easter eggs: a trailer for Fulci's film Cat In The Brain, and the alternate opening credits from the 7 Doors Of Death version of the film.

As expected, chapter selections and optional subtitles round everything off. I should also mention the wonderful menus which take great advantage of Frizzi's score.

Those new to The Beyond often end up wondering what all the fuss is about, and it would be unfair to pretend that the film doesn't have some serious flaws. What makes the film work is a willingness to go to some seriously dark places and the increasing sense of dread which connects it. It's certainly not as stylish as the works of Bava or Argento, but there are truly stirring images here which trump both. Not a masterpiece, but as close as Fulci ever came.

Dawn Of The Mummy (1981)

It would be foolish to suggest that a commentator of any sort isn't influenced by his or her recent experiences. I could never pretend to be completely unbiased, and with every review I do comes a lifetime of experience that is very specific to me. To that end, the films I watch have to be held to slightly different standards depending on their purpose for existing. I watched Frank Agrama's Dawn Of The Mummy with different eyes than I watched, say, I Dream Of Dracula or certainly a recent summer blockbuster like Terminator: Salvation or Star Trek, and this is out of necessity. The sort of person that would watch a film called Dawn Of The Mummy has likely already adjusted their expectations appropriately, and it's only fair that I do the same.

And Dawn Of The Mummy is an interesting animal. Obviously influenced by the Italian Dawn Of The Dead rips like Zombie and Night Of The Zombies, as well as Romero's originals, Agrama uses all of the traditional traits of mummy films; the Mummy's curse, Grave robbers, and the shambling, shuffling title creature; and combines them with the traits of late 70s/80s zombie films; cannibalism, a remote location, and buckets of gore; and transposes the whole mess to Egypt. The location filming is actually quite impressive, and there's a certain majesty to knowing that the pyramids in the background are legitimate, giving the whole production a bit of a unique look and feel.

It's a shame then that the whole thing is a tired, slow-moving mess. The characters are almost wholly unsympathetic, and often totally unlikeable, and seem to exist solely to be fodder for the Mummy and his zombie buddies. The mummy itself, seemingly influenced by the look of the Mummy in the classic Hammer films, is tall and imposing but does almost nothing of note besides strangling an old woman and (uncharacteristically) slicing and dicing one of the characters with a cleaver. Oddly, the reanimated corpses which arise with the mummy are much more threatening, as they run after people and take bites out of them when not eating their guts outright.

But i'm getting ahead of myself. Dawn Of The Mummy begins with the mummification and burial of the title creature, taking place some 3000 years ago. The name of the mummified man is apparently Sephriman (or some variation thereof), and he's entombed with six of his pals, just in case he's ever disturbed. Not a bad deal. And guess what? 3000 years later that's exactly what happens when some treasure hunters blow up the entrance to his crypt in search of gold. The most notable of these three gentleman is Rick (Barry Sattels), who is blond, wears an ascot, and mugs for the camera every chance he gets. He's excitable, and at least seems to be aware that he's in a ridiculous mummy movie. They start to search for riches (GOLD!), when they are rudely interrupted by models.

Yes, a group of models from New York City have arrived in Egypt for a photo-shoot, and after a brief misunderstanding involving gunfire they decide that the stinky, filthy tomb would be the best possible place to be photographed. Rick and his buddies raise a fuss, but eventually decide to let them prance around for a few days if it means it will eventually get them out of their hair. Now, there are three female models, one male model, a male photographer and a female assistant. I dare you to keep the names of each character straight. Luckily that's hardly necessary as the lights from the photo-shoot start making Sephriman mighty cranky, and he's soon up and around and looking to party with his zombie goons.

Then some things happen. Characters smoke pot, or have sex, or go swimming. Occasionally someone sticks their hand in some internal organs, or finds a severed head or a body. I promise you that it's all uninteresting, and you could probably skip to the last half hour without missing anything crucial. But that last half hour is a lot of fun, as the Mummy gang crash a wedding and start chowing down on innocent villagers in between killing and eating a bunch of vapid, useless models. Eventually the "good guys" blow him and his reanimated co-horts sky high with a bunch of gasoline, but a final shot shows that he'll be back. But he never was. The end.

As mentioned, the decision to shoot in Egypt with an eyptian crew works in the film's favor, as they get a lot of production value out of a comparatively low ($500,000) budget. While one could easily mistake the film for an Italian production, Agrama actually is Egyptian and studied film at UCLA after leaving a career as a surgeon. He was an experienced director by the time this film was made, and unlike a lot of Italian productions, the cast actually appear to not be dubbed. The mix of location shooting and sets work quite well, and the props and hieroglyphics that litter the inside of the crypt are fairly impressive.

But it's so painfully slow. Things don't even get going until about forty minutes in, and by then most horror fans would have tuned out. The film is aided greatly by a terrific synth score from Shuki Levy (who did the music for a ton of notable 80s cartoons), but Agrama fails to turn the atmospheric tombs and creepy score into anything resembling suspense. Seeing irritating models get eviserated has its own charm, but the actual mummy is such a dull creature that even these meagre pleasures are greatly diminished. By the time things finally get going with the attack on the wedding at the end, exposed entrails and zombie attacks are not enough to save the proceedings.

Some praise should be given to the special effects and zombie/mummy make-up in the film. While not looking as delightfully rotten as the zombies in Fulci's films, the corpses look appropriately decayed, while Sephriman looks terrific despite spending most of his time staring confusedly at nothing in particular. The gore is plentiful, and is usually realized quite effectively, aside from the brief cleaver to the head scene, which is really the fault of some rough editing. There are even some fun pyrotechnics, including an impressive explosion at the end. With this crew, the potential was obviously there for so much more than ended up in the film.

The DVD from Madacy Records features a rough looking full-screen print of the film, which was originally filmed in 1.85:1. Scenes taking place at night tend to be difficult to watch, particularly in some later scenes in the film featuring some day-for-night shooting, but it's never too murky.

Despite the low-budget DVD release, there are a couple of features. The best is a talky, interesting commentary, presented as a Q&A between actor Del Howison (The Erotic Rites Of Countess Dracula) and the director Frank Agrama. Agrama is a fascinating individual who has led quite an interesting life, so his anecdotes are certainly checking out. Filming in Egypt has some unique challenges, particularly in terms of sexual content, and Agrama explains why the film is heavier on gore than sexuality. Agrama later went on to bring Robotech to television, so i'm certainly willing to forgive him for making Dawn Of The Mummy.

We also (oddly) get a trailer for Road Ends, featuring Dennis Hopper and Chris Sarandon, but no trailer for Dawn Of The Mummy. I'm also disappointed that the DVD art is different from the terrific VHS box-art that I remember from when I was a kid. The hastily photo-shopped replacement is hardly an improvement.

While actually showing a lot early promise, Dawn Of The Mummy fails to pay off the potential of a modern Mummy movie renaissance and instead shuffles along to a routine demise. It looks fine, and there are smatterings of goo for the gorehounds, but discriminating viewers won't be swayed by the brain-dead cast and mundane script. Perhaps as close to a zombie film as any mummy movie can get, and the commentary is fun if you can get it on the cheap, but otherwise i'd recommend avoiding.

Blood Sucking Freaks (aka The Incredible Torture Show) (1976)

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Sardu (Seamus O'Brien) runs a grand guignol torture show in New York along with his diminutive assistant Ralphus (Luis De Jesus) to enthusiastic crowds. What these folks don't know, however, is that the tortures and murders they are witnessing are real, and that Sardu is dealing in white slavery to get his victims. Football player Tom Maverick (Niles McMaster) starts to get suspicious after his ballerina girlfriend vanished, and buys the help of a corrupt cop to track her down. It turns out she's joined Sardu's sickening S&M show (after being kidnapped by Ralphus), but Tom starts to believe there's something funny going on. Along the way there is brain sucking, cannibal women, an ass dartboard, necrophilia, and a climactic cock sandwich(/w lettuce).

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It seems appropriate that director Eli Roth is so involved with the special features on the Troma DVD of Joel M. Reed's Blood Sucking Freaks, as his name has become synonymous with torture and sadism in film for the past few years. Films like Hostel, Saw and Wolf Creek have carried the (rather reprehensible) label of "torture porn", and the public has devoured many of these (and similar) films with fervor. Critics have pointed to the political landscape, particularly the interrogation tactics of current international conflict, as having an influence on the growing genre, and it's interesting to go back to what many consider the simultaneous peak and nadir of 70s exploitation to see what distance (if any) cinema has traveled in regards to it's portrayal of torture.

It should be noted that Blood Sucking Freaks is, at its heart, a fairly broad black comedy. It pokes fun at its audience's love of violence, the corruption and filth of 70s New York, and the theatrical scene in general (particularly in Sardu's wish to be taken seriously as an artist). When Quarterback Tom Maverick calls 911 to help with the search for his girlfriend, he gets a recording and is asked to leave a message, and Sardu's kidnapping and torture of the critic who refuses to take him seriously smacks of satire. Even particularly vile lines (such as the classic "Her mouth will make an interesting urinal.") carry with them an exaggerated sense of outrageousness. The essence of the film isn't far away from John Water's classics.

Certainly the film is not afraid to push the boundaries of good taste. The most famous scene likely being the one where a doctor (Ernie Pysher) pulls out the teeth of a poor victim, before shaving her head bald and inserting an electrical drill into her brain. He proceeds to slide a clear straw into her wound, sucking out blood and brain matter (actually oatmeal), while a clearly disgusted Sardu and Ralphus watch on. It's as if even the film realizes it has gone too far, confirmed by Ralphus then feeding the doctor to his cage of starving cannibal women.

It's difficult to take the film very seriously, which is helped by a terrifically campy lead performance from Seamus O'Brien as Sardu. He can be appropriately menacing, but also sniveling when threatened and even occasionally comedic. Luis De Jesus as Ralphus is, well, awful. But, he brings a surreal flair to the proceedings, and he went on to be both a porn star and an Ewok, and that has to count for something. The rest of the cast is passable, though Viju Krem is often grating as the ballerina love interest.

This is seriously low budget stuff, though director Joel M. Reed wrings the most out of his few sets. The often darkened backgrounds enhance the theatrical staging of the tortures, though the camera remains mostly static throughout with a few shaky zooms being the only memorable cinematic touches. The FX are very rough, often just rising above early H.G. Lewis levels, though this tends to help soften the often unpleasant proceedings.

Troma's DVD release is, as if often the case with their releases, a mixed bag. The film presented in full-screen in a dark, though very watchable print. Sound can be slightly muffled, though it's all very audible and at the levels of most low-budget 70s releases.

The extras are diverse, though familiar to those with Troma DVD experience. You get the usual Tour Of Troma, the Troma Intelligence Test, a few groan inducing PSAs, The Radiation March short film, and ads for Lloyd Kaufman's biography and Troma's website. You also get Eli Roth's interviews with cannibal girl Arlana Blue, Ernie Pysher, and co-editor Victor Kaefsky.

The film also has a screen specific commentary with Eli Roth that is both informative and irritating. He displays a strong knowledge for the film and its stars, but often makes intentionally outrageous statements about the film's influence that makes it a bit of a chore to sit through. Still worthwhile, but a straight commentary would have been preferred.

Finally, there's also a stills gallery, as well as trailers for Blood Sucking Freaks, G.I. Executioner (also from Joel M. Reed), Cannibal: The Musical, The Toxic Avenger, Def By Temptation, Class Of Nuke'Em High, The Toxic Avenger II, Surf Nazis Must Die, Tromeo And Juliet, and Sgt. Kabukiman, N.Y.P.D.

One could make the case that Blood Sucking Freaks is the ultimate 70s exploitation film. It's sleazy, packed with nudity, contains sadistic (though comical) amounts of violence, and features just enough satire to redeem itself. This is a film more about S&M than modern torture methods, and it's better for it.

Certainly not for the faint of heart, but if you can handle the modern variations with less humor and state of the art special FX, then this one might be up your alley. Watch it with friends, and marvel.

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (2007)

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Remember those blissful nights you spent, out in the forest, camping with your family? Remember the fire, the marshmallows, the storytelling? Remember your family being ruthlessly slaughtered by a forest troll? No? Well, Jack Brooks does. And he’s pissed. Since that time, Brooks (Trevor Matthews) has become a plumber (and my understanding is that this means he’s voting for McCain), one with an immense anger issue. How does he cope with his anger? Considering the title of the movie, you can probably guess.

The monsters in question--the monsters who Jack Brooks must slay--are led by Professor Gordon Crowley (Robert Englund), who teaches night school for a group of ne'er do-wells, Jack among them. Prof. Crowley is a well-meaning old chap who unfortunately runs afoul an evil black heart that takes him over, and gives him the power to create zombies. Or something. Zombies that Jack Brooks must slay. In the process, Jack overcomes his anger issues, and saves some members of his night class--but not all of them, or it wouldn't be gory enough.

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Jon Knautz’s Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer is a harmless and fun creature feature, the kind of thing that you can pop on when you want a few laughs and a cheap thrill. It’s not really audacious, or ground breaking, or even particularly interesting, but it’s entertaining and it's reasonably well done. I guess this is damning it with faint praise, but all things considered, Jack Brooks doesn’t really screw anything up, and in the realm of low-budget horror films, that definitely counts for something.

The film is anchored around the performances of Englund and Matthews, and both are up to the task. Englund is able to give the sort of schlocky-yet-consummate performance you’d expect from an actor who has been living and breathing the genre for years--he’s practically this generation’s Vincent Price. He might not try very hard, but he doesn’t have to. Prof. Crowley’s an amiable guy, and Englund plays him in such a way that you can’t help but feel bad for him once he’s taken over by the ancient, evil force, making him the bad guy of the film.


Matthews, a relative newcomer, plays Jack as a high-strung loser, an average dude who can’t catch a break. His dialogue, though forced, is usually good for a laugh; complaining about his violent temper, he says: “Fuck man, I broke a bottle over my head once because I couldn’t open it! I mean, you know… that doesn’t even make any sense!”

There are no computer graphics in Jack Brooks, so some old timey horror purists should be happy--for instance, the monster that Prof. Crowley eventually morphs into is a gigantic puppet that took as many as eight handlers to operate at one time. In this sense, it has a definite old school feel to it; it’s kind of like a Stuart Gordon film (though less sleazy), or Evil Dead II (though less funny). Though low-budget, most of the monsters are quite impressive-looking; the cyclops and the Professor-creature are perhaps the most entertaining of the bunch.


The Anchor Bay DVD of Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer is presented in its original 1.78:1 aspect ratio, and contains a host of special features, including an audio commentary with the director, the writer, the composer, and Jack Brooks himself, Trevor Matthews. It’s nice to see a few behind the scenes videos; one that gives you insight into the monster-making process is interesting, but I’m not sure that anyone needs to see video from the World premiere at Sitges. Storyboard comparisons; a still gallery; deleted scenes; an art gallery; the trailer--all that shit is there.

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer may not break new ground, but it’s good entertainment for anyone who wants to kill 80 minutes with some decent laughs, some old school monsters and gore, and a reasonable amount of bloodshed. Though I can see the humour falling flat for some, in most cases I think it hits its mark, and though the film might wait too long to bring on the real bloodshed, the final battle is gruesome and fun enough to make up for it.

Blood Feast (1963)

PLOT:

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You mean you don't know? Ok.. here's the broad strokes. Fuad Ramses (the fuzzy eyebrowed Mal Arnold) is a caterer who, in an attempt to resurrect the Egyptian goddess Ishtar, starts butchering women and stealing their body parts. Ol' Ramses is hired to cater a party for the young Suzette Fremont (Playboy Bunny Connie Mason), who is being wooed by Det. Pete Thornton (William Kerwin) who is hot on Ramses trail. Except not really. Suzette's mom walks in on Ramses attempting to chop her daughter's head off, which sends Thornton chasing after the limping murderer. Attempting to escape in the back of a garbage truck ends up being Ramses' undoing, as he's unconvincingly crushed to death. "He died a fitting end for the garbage he was", says the police captain. So true.

REVIEW:

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About Blood Feast, director Herschell Gordon Lewis famously said: "I've often referred to Blood Feast as a Walt Whitman poem. It's no good, but it was the first of its type". And indeed the film was the first to be sold solely on the copious amounts of gore onscreen, setting the stage for most of the exploitation-horror over the next four decades. It's influence can be seen in the work of filmmakers as diverse as John Waters and Eli Roth. It's had tributes and sequels and has been immortalized in the minds of fans of cult and horror cinema, along with other H.G. Lewis classics like 2000 Maniacs, The Wizard Of Gore, and Color Me Blood Red. The impact of the film simply cannot be denied.

But it's certainly no good.

The performance range from passable to pitiful, with Mal Arnold's wild overacting clashing harshly with Connie Mason's mannequin-like performance. William Kerwin is solid in the lead, but is made to look inept and ineffective by a script that seems to have been made up as the creators went along. The direction is pedestrian, and the effects are totally primitive. The film barely has enough action to fill its scant 70 minute run time, and tension and suspense is almost non-existent.

But, frankly, that's not why anyone came to see this film. They went to see copious amounts of violence, and the film certainly delivers that. From the opening scene showing a young lady getting her leg hacked off, we know we're watching something totally different from the nudie pictures popular at the time. All the usual skin and sex is traded for bloodshed, and in fact the film features absolutely no nudity or coarse language. Lewis (and producer David Friedman) figured that they didn't want to give censors any more ammunition than was necessary.

The film remains watchable for a combination of historic importance, and because of its enduring ridiculousness. Everything feels exaggerated in one way or another, with the unconvincing effects preventing the audience from being too disgusted by the whole thing. The final chase scene is particularly laughable, as Ramses limps slowly across a desert but still manages to out-pace the officers running after him.

Of a much higher quality than the rest of the film is Lewis' memorable soundtrack, particularly the pounding drums of the main theme. In the commentary Lewis mentions spending longer on the soundtrack than on the actual film, and it shows. Lewis was an amazingly economical director, and certainly didn't waste time or film in the process of making a feature.

For all the criticisms of the film itself, the DVD from Image Entertainment (and Something Weird Video) is an absolute delight. While its low-budget origins are obvious, the film looks bright and colorful. The full screen transfer is as close to perfect as we're likely to see.

We're also treated to some wonderful (and unique) extra features:

First is the short film "Carving Magic", starring William Kerwin and the late Harvey Korman showing us the proper way to carve a number of different meats. A morbidly appropriate companion piece to the main feature. We also get the original theatrical trailer for Blood Feast, featuring the talking head of Kerwin suggesting parents and children leave the theater while the trailer ran (barf bags were sometimes provided for viewers on the film's original release). Fifty minutes(!) of incredibly rare outtakes round out the video extras, featuring (according to Lewis) almost all of the footage that was shot but not included in the film. While there is no original violence on the outtakes, there are a few shots of nudity that don't appear in the final product.

The DVD also features a second audio track featuring commentary from director H.G. Lewis and producer David Friedman. The commentary is wonderfully informative and full of funny stories from the two men who obviously have a lot of fun looking back at their fascinating careers. They go into detail in regards to the difficulties of releasing such a unique film, as well as the revolutionary way they went about marketing it. At heart, both men are (admitted) carnies, and sometimes still appear to be in awe of the success of their big score.

The special features are rounded off with a gallery of exploitation art, featuring various newspaper ads for the film as well as stills and poster art. It finishes with a nice photo of the cast and crew.

Blood Feast is essential viewing for those interested in the history of exploitation, gore or horror film-making. It quite literally changed the way films were made and marketed, and its influence is still felt. While time hasn't been kind to the effects and performances, there are still some unintentional laughs to be had, and the great DVD package by Something Weird makes the whole thing go down smoothly.

See it to say you've seen it.

The Machine Girl (aka Kataude mashin gâru) (2008)

Over the past decade there have been dozens of films that have intentionally courted a cult fan-base. Often presented as tributes to the exploitation films of the past, the comparative low cost of producing DVD has meant that video rental stores are packed with low-budget off-the-wall films reveling in explicit sex and violence in an attempt to capture this specific segment of movie-goers.

This is nothing new. Troma has focused on this audience for decades. But in recent years; particularly in light of the Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino Grindhouse collaboration; things have taken a turn for the silly. More influenced by splatter comedies like Evil Dead II and Bad Taste than the films of Herschell Gordon Lewis, Machine Girl appeals to the basest desires of fans of cult cinema. It's loud, ridiculous, and incredibly excessively violent.

It should be noted that Machine Girl was at least partially financed and distributed by Tokyo Shock, and was obviously designed to capture the audience that enjoys the films released through that label such as the early films of Takeshi Miike and The Story Of Ricky (Machine Girl's closest cousin in terms of content and style).

The ridiculous gore is fastened to an only slightly less ridiculous plot. Ami Hyuga (Minase Yashiro) is an average student, raising her slightly younger brother Yu (Ryôsuke Kawamura) who finds himself (and his friend) terrorized by some rather sadistic bullies. The head bully is Sho Kimura (Nobuhiro Nishihara), the son of a Yakuza, and after Yu is unable to placate the bullies with money, his friend and him are murdered. Ami decides to get herself some bloody revenge, which ends with her being captured by the Yakuza family and her arm severed. Taking refuge with the parents of her brother's friend, they fashion an ARM MACHINE GUN(!) which she uses against junior-high aged ninjas(!) before heading out for some old fashioned ass kicking. And also there is Tempura Arm, and a drill bra, and sushi fingers, and a guy gets all of his skin shot off. Oh, and there's a flying guillotine!

Ok. So, that plot summary gives you a sense of what you're in for here. Lots of Japanese women (often in school uniforms) kicking ass, and rivers of fake blood shooting out in every direction. The characters in the film are not human beings as much as they are highly pressurized blood cannons, a severed arm leading to gallons of the red stuff pouring out. But, the mega-gore of the film comes at a price.. the effects are often quite shoddy. While there are mountains of severings and beheadings, they are never close to convincing, and the gunfire is often distractingly fake looking. While a necessary evil in a film such as this, it can't help but become a bit exhausting by the film's end. The choreography of the film's fighting is also quite poor, though is almost always immediately followed by some incredibly graphic special effect that makes you forget about it.

The direction (by Noboru Iguchi) is quite stylish and kinetic considering what must have been an incredibly low budget. There are, however, some blatant continuity errors that take away from the fun. The opening scene features our one-armed-heroine jumping into the air and revealing both of her arms intact, and landing to show her missing an appendage. The soundtrack to the film is also distractingly sparse and non-descript.

The acting is a mixed bag, but generally quite good. Minase Yashiro acquits herself admirably in her first film role, and she's required to act fairly straight compared to the over-the-top madness of the Yakuza baddies. Porn Star Asami (as the mother of Yu's friend) is particularly impressive, and seems to revel in the excess on display.

The Tokyo Shock DVD features the film in it's original 1.85:1 aspect ratio. The image is often quite grainy and shows a great deal of noise, though this may be a stylistic choice on the director's part (or simply reflective of the budget). Audio is available in both an English Dub as well as the original Japanese with English subtitles.

The film has surprisingly few extras, though a ten minute behind-the-scenes featurette is a lot of fun and shows the significant amount of work the (often inexperienced) actors and actresses had to put into the production. We're also treated to trailers for The Machine Girl, the Shaw Brother's classic Heroes Two, Death Trance, Zebraman, and the Lone Wolf & Cub television series.

A flawed exercise in cultish excess, Machine Girl will delight fans of gory classics like Braindead, but too often is let down by it's limited budget and meager story. Still, a perfect party film to be paired with The Story Of Ricky.

Contamination (1980)

Contamination (aka Alien Contamination aka Toxic Spawn) is a ridiculous wholesale rip-off of Ridley Scott's Alien that oddly chooses to emulate that film's chestburster scene again and again rather than copy any of the tension or character development that made the original film so successful. In fact, while director Luigi Cozzi rails against budget limitations on the special features, the film's biggest flaw is its lame script (by Cozzi himself) which handicaps any sort of momentum the film might pick up from its gory special effects.

A seemingly empty vessel floats into New York Harbor, and an investigation finds the captain and crew mutilated and a cargo full of strange green eggs. An unfortunate fellow decides to pick one up, and soon the contents of his stomach have sprayed all over the screen. The surviving New York cop (Marino Masé) is quarantined, and soon joins with Colonel Stella Holmes (Louise Marleau) in investigating who was responsible for sending the ship to New York (aka Italy). Things take a turn for the bizarre as Stella remembers that a disgraced astronaut (Ian McCulloch from Lucio Fulci's Zombie) spoke of green eggs after returning from a trip to Mars, and decides to pay him a visit. Soon the whole crew is off to South America to check out a coffee company that just might be a front for an alien invasion. The climax treats us to the best awful looking alien this side of an Outer Limits episode.

Let's start with the positive. We get a really fun score from Goblin, though it's more Dawn Of The Dead than Suspiria, which elevates a few slow scenes. The gore is messy and plentiful, but always goofy enough to remain enjoyable. And I thought some of the performances were actually pretty decent, particularly McCulloch who is probably a bit too good to be in this film. Or Zombie. Or Dr. Butcher MD.

Cozzi is a capable schlock director, and helmed the campy Star Wars rip-off Starcrash (starring David Hasselhoff!) before this film, but his flat film-making style brings the pacing to a crawl between scenes of entrails being spewed forth. Admittedly he's not helped by the dubbing of the international cast, a necessary evil of a lot of Italian exploitation, that sometimes makes the whole mess resemble a bad kung-fu movie. However, the initial scene where the police are investigating the boat actually manages to raise some tension and is really the closest the film ever gets to being a successful horror film. It's just too bad that's in the first ten minutes.

After the first half hour the film starts to get ponderous, with many extraneous driving scenes obviously padding out the film's running time. Cozzi complains about the producers making some unreasonable demands in the extras, in particular wanting the climax to resemble a James Bond picture, and these influences start to reflect in the uneven tone in the film's second half. The whole thing ends with a thud, as the bad guy's viscera gets blown out in comical slow motion and the eggs are all destroyed. Or ARE they? Dun dun DUN!

Whatever complaints I have about the film, it's tough to criticize the great job Blue Underground has done with the DVD. Shown in its original 1.85:1 ratio, the image quality is inconsistent but is by far the best the film has ever looked on a home format. The audio is presented in English only with DTS 6.1 ES, Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround EX, Dolby Digital 2.0 Surround, and Dolby Digital 1.0 Mono options available. I watched this on a dinky little screen, so I can't tell you the difference between any of those, but it certainly sounds impressive.

We're also treated to a nice array of special features, the best being the 18 Minute Alien Arrives On Earth, which is a nice modern (subtitled) interview with Luigi Cozzi about the making of the film. His love for the sci-fi genre is obvious, though the homages he references are a tad spurious. He also calls Louise Marleau ugly, and doesn't seem to understand why the film received an R rating, despite the fact that its main selling point is exploding guts.

We also get a 23 minute making of featurette created at the time of the film's release. The image quality is quite low, and it seems to have been made from the perspective that film-goers have no idea how films are made, but it's a nice treat. We're also treated to a poster/still gallery, some conceptual photos, and the film's trailer.

Finally, we're treated to some DVD-Rom content in the form of a comic book adaptation of the entire film. It's absolutely terrible, and since it's based on the original script it features some freaky moments (and nudity), but is worth reading if only for the fact that such an oddity even exists.

I first saw Contamination as a teenager, having rented it from the local video store to watch with my cousin. At the time I enjoyed it as a splatter fest, and for a particular scene where a mouse is injected with the contents of one of the eggs and proceeds to explode all over the inside of a glass cage. Age (and possible wisdom) have muted my enthusiasm for what is really a derivative, flat piece of exploitation not really worthy of the treatment given here. Stick with Alien, or the many, many better rip-offs that are out there.